How to Be Confident in Public Speaking

I used to think confidence in public speaking was a technical problem. Better slides. Clearer structure. Practice more. Hit your marks.

Then I realized that technical preparation was only part of the problem. Women often apply the same speaking techniques inside a different field of scrutiny.

Public speaking can involve technical gaps, adaptive work, or both. Practice can improve structure and delivery; it cannot by itself remove the different meanings audiences may attach to the same behavior. When a man speaks with authority, people may hear competence. When a woman speaks the same way, some people hear aggression. That is a system responding differently to who is speaking, not only to what is being said.

I first noticed this in a conflict mediation training. The male facilitators could raise their voice, pace back and forth, use dramatic pauses. They looked powerful. I tried the same technique and got feedback: “Abrasive.” “Aggressive.” I wasn’t doing anything differently. The reception was.

That’s not a personal failing. That’s the reality of the space you’re operating in.

So confidence isn’t about ignoring that reality. It’s about navigating it deliberately.

Shift Your Mindset: From “How Am I Coming Across?” to “What Does This Moment Require?”

One pattern I hear frequently from women preparing for high-visibility speaking is divided attention: part of the mind is delivering the material while another part monitors the room for evidence of doubt. *How am I being perceived? Am I coming across as authoritative enough? Are they thinking I belong here?*

You’re splitting your attention between the content and the judgment. That’s exhausting, and it undermines your presence. In my teaching I use a framework called “Know Your Tuning” - the idea that each of us has emotional patterns, shaped by our history, that get activated under pressure. When you’re speaking publicly and your tuning is set to “watch for disapproval,” you’ll find disapproval everywhere. That's your system scanning for threat, and misreading the room.

I worked with a VP of Sales who was brilliant in one-on-one conversations but fell apart in front of large groups. When I asked her what was happening in her head, she said, “I’m watching their faces to see if they think I know what I’m talking about.”

She was performing for their validation when the work was to deliver value to them. Her tuning was set to seek approval. It drowned out everything else.

The reframe requires what I call getting on the balcony - stepping out of the moment to observe what’s actually happening, without staying immersed in your own anxiety loop. The only relevant question is not “How am I coming across?” It’s “What does this audience need from me right now?”

Do they need clarity? Then be clear.

Do they need conviction? Show it.

Do they need you to hold complexity? Then do that.

You cannot control every perception. You can decide what service the audience needs from you - clarity, direction, interpretation, or a decision - and organize your attention around delivering it.

When I shifted that woman’s focus from “Are they believing me?” to “What information do they need to make a decision?,” her whole presence changed. She stopped performing. She started leading.

Mechanics: Stillness, Pause, Eye Contact

Once your mindset shifts, the mechanics become tools you use, no longer sources of anxiety.

Stillness: Most nervous speakers move constantly, pacing, fidgeting, and using their hands to burn off anxiety. Movement can be powerful. Constant movement signals you’re not in control.

One rehearsal option is to choose three locations on the stage or in the room - front center, stage left, and stage right - and move only when the thought changes. This is not a rule for correct movement. It is a way to notice whether you are moving by choice or using motion to discharge anxiety.

The power of stillness is that it forces people to listen. They can’t follow your movement. They have to follow your words.

Pause: This is the most underrated tool in public speaking. And women typically use it the least because silence feels terrifying.

A pause gives the audience time to process and gives the speaker a choice about what comes next. Used deliberately, it can signal that the idea does not need to be rushed past.

A three-second pause feels like thirty seconds when you’re nervous. Try it anyway. Finish a sentence. Count to three in your head. Then continue.

The audience doesn’t experience it as dead air. They experience it as weight. As intention.

Eye Contact: Avoid fixing on one person for the entire talk, and avoid scanning the room so fast it becomes meaningless. A real eye contact pattern: Find one person. Look at them while you deliver one complete thought. Move to another person. Repeat.

This isn’t manipulation. It’s connection. You’re speaking *to* people, not *at* them.

Structure Your Message for Authority

The words matter too. Here’s what kills executive presence in women’s speeches:

Hedging: “I *think* we might want to consider possibly...”

Apologizing: “Sorry, this might be boring, but...”

Softening: “This is just my perspective, but...”

Say what you mean. “Here’s what needs to happen.” “This is the situation.” “This is my recommendation.”

You don’t need to be aggressive to be authoritative. You need to be clear.

Structure your talk in three clean sections:

• The situation: Here’s what’s true.
• The stakes: Here’s why it matters.
• The path: Here’s what we do.

Clean. Authoritative. No hedging required.

The Practice That Actually Works

Don’t practice by reading your notes. Practice by speaking to a real person (even if it’s a mirror, even if it’s just yourself). Hear what comes out of your mouth. Notice where you speed up (usually when you’re nervous). Notice where you hedge.

Then practice the pause. Practice the stillness. Practice the eye contact. These are skills. They get better with repetition.

The Reframe

Confidence in public speaking for women isn’t about becoming someone you’re not. It’s about deciding that your authority is legitimate and then communicating from that ground. It’s about shifting from “How am I being received?” to “What does this moment require?”

Once you do that, the mechanics just make your authority visible.